god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize