she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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