Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
