She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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