I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
