wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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