Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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