So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
