That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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