did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
