My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
