Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
