there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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