It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
