Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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