Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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