I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
