dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
