i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize