please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
