OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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