dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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