And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
