I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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