I'm going to jail i love you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Will exercising make me less horny?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
