I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
