she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
