Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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