woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
