Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize