i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
