Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize