Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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