Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
