YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
