Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
