I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
