My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
