dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
