Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
