His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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