I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
