How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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