Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
