just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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