I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
