Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
