I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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