How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
