i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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