if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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