Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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