Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
