can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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