WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
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