I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
