Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
