Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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