Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
