And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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