I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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