when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize