Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize