Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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