You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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