Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
