when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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