Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize