The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
