I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
