they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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