Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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