Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
