Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
